I Finally Learned How To Say No . Here’sBy A Recovering ‘Yesaholic’

How to say no politely — to anything from a date to your boss

How to say no politely — to anything from a date to your boss

You’ve probably heard the saying: “You can’t please everyone.”

I used to be one of those individuals who said yes to almost every request someone made, no matter how big or small.

To be clear this did not apply to anything intimate in nature!

I wanted to make everyone happy and thought that was the right thing to do.

Over time I realized that it was actually making me miserable.

I was constantly stressed out, fearful of being asked anything, and never had enough time for myself.

It wasn’t until I reached a point where I could not sustain it anymore.

It became clear it was time to find a way to say no without guilt or fear of consequence.

It was only when I did that I finally started to feel in control of my life again.

It was easier than I thought it would be.

In this article, I’ll share my tips on respecting yourself more and saying no when you need to.

I was the worst kind of people pleaser, a chronic yesaholic.

It got so bad I would cancel something I was looking forward to just because I couldn’t say no to a request by a friend to do something for them.

I thought I was being nice, but looking back, it was really disingenuous agreeing to something when I knew that down the road, I would feel resentful that they’d asked.

That was my fault, not theirs.

If you recognize this in yourself, don’t worry, it is curable. The fear of saying no is a symptom that can be fixed.

Do you feel out of control? Do you want your life back to feel free from your fear of saying no?

Today you can make the decision to change.

Just like a New Year’s resolution, it’s easy to say this stops now, but many ingrained habits and underlying driving factors try to keep you in the same pattern.

Societal training, childhood conditioning, and peer pressure can all contribute to reward and punishment for certain behaviours.

You can unpack what drives your impulse to say yes, and rewire your brain into new patterns.

More importantly, you can release the unconscious fears that make you say yes when you want to scream NO!

So let’s look at why you impulsively say yes so often and find ways to rewire your brain into adopting new habits while releasing any fear of refusing an invitation or request. You got this!”

Why do we say yes when we want to say no?

Recognizing the Fear

When you want to say no, but you’re afraid of the consequences, you must first identify what it is you fear. For many, it’s the fear of rejection or not being liked. Others may fear being seen as selfish or uncooperative if they say no.

We often don’t realize that saying yes when we want to say no steals our self-esteem. It reinforces the idea that our time and energy are not in our control and we’re not good enough to advocate for ourselves.

What are you afraid of happening if you say no? Is the worst thing that could happen a confrontation? Losing a friend? Being shunned? Consider these things carefully, and remember that the worst thing that can happen is usually not as bad as we make it out to be.

Guilt: Do you ever catch yourself in the cycle of feeling guilty if you deny a request or invitation?

If it’s a yes, ask yourself, what is it that I’m feeling wrong about? If I decline, do I feel like I’m letting someone down or not a nice person?

Low Self-esteem: Do you feel like a lesser person than the one asking? Do you think you owe something to the world because you’re not good enough?

This was one of my more significant drivers, but I and I found a way to overcome this, which we will cover later on this page.

Intimidation. Do you fear consequences of some kind due to pressure from someone?

If you say no, perhaps you feel a combination of guilt and being educated by your tribe for being the odd one out by saying ‘No thanks’.

Rejection. Feel like somebody will respect you less or be offended by your preference.

The consequence is an imagined or actual fear of an impact resulting from saying no. If you get invited out somewhere and turn it down, do you worry that you won’t be asked again? Are you afraid that the person asking may feel hurt or rejected, or are you unsure about saying yes for fear of missing out now or later?

Being liked. This is a hard one. Are you saying yes because it is the only way you feel you will be appreciated or belong somewhere? This one leaves you open to being used.

Do you recognize any of these reasons for being nervous about saying no?

If so, congratulations, you are normal.

It is built into our DNA to stick with the herd. There is safety in numbers; back in caveman days, being the odd one out could mean exile, starvation or death.

I know it sounds dramatic, but we are still programmed to survive.

Our fear response is still controlled by our amygdala, which rules our fight or flight response, and is not based on logic.

Yet the reality is — feelings are not tangible and often not an accurate reflection of reality.

Speaking from experience, most of the time, what we fear never happens. Having the courage to say no actually feels fulfilling for reasons other than getting your time back and not feeling uncomfortable in situations you didn’t want to be in.

Peace, pride and empowerment are the fruit of being honest with yourself and others about your preferences.

That doesn’t mean saying, ‘I don’t feel like coming to your party because I don’t like your friends’. It means thanking someone for the opportunity but declining without having to lie or make excuses because you feel sheepish about it.

Why You Should Say ‘No’ More Often

Learning to say “no” is taking back your power and not letting yourself be used and abused. It’s about reclaiming your time and energy, regaining self-confidence and self-respect, and controlling your life.

Others may view you differently for setting boundaries, but showing respect for them doesn’t have to be sacrificed either.

Speak honestly and politely with phrases like “Thank you for the opportunity, but it isn’t the best fit for me.

Saying “no” can be hard, but it takes courage and is essential for living a fulfilling life. I found this out when I started facing criticism from people who said, “you’ve changed.”

But you adjust and it’s a relief to realize what the conditions of some relationships were.

You are then free to give more time to people who appreciate you for being you rather than what you can do for them.

It’s energizing when you let go of “diode” relationships.

Overcoming the Fear of Saying ‘No’

It’s definitely not easy to say no. I know that from personal experience. For years, I was scared to stand up for myself and insist on my needs. I was terrified of what people might think of me if I said no. I was worried they wouldn’t respect me or miss out on opportunities if I didn’t go along with what they wanted.

But eventually, I realized that saying no isn’t a bad thing. In fact, it’s an empowering thing. It’s a way of asserting yourself and your needs. It shows that you’re authentic, not someone who can be easily manipulated or taken advantage of. And most importantly, it makes you feel good about yourself.

How do you overcome the fear of saying no?

Well, it takes practice. And it’s different for everyone. But here are a few tips to get you started:

– First, be clear about what you want and need. Don’t leave room for ambiguity.

– Secondly, be confident in what you’re saying. Make sure you sound solid and sure of yourself.

– Finally, be prepared for people to react negatively in the beginning. There will be people who don’t understand or agree with your decision but watch yourself and your responses with compassion. Be kind to yourself, and remember, fear is mostly irrational. If you can identify what is happening to you internally, you can override your conditioning.

Practising Ways to Say ‘No’

One way to start practising saying ‘no’ is by setting boundaries with family and friends. When they ask you to do something, don’t feel you have to automatically say yes just because you think it’s what they want to hear.

Instead, take a step back and assess the situation. Be honest if you don’t or don’t wish to spare time or energy to do what someone asks. Remember, you don’t owe anyone an explanation or an excuse — just a simple ‘thank you for asking, but I am unavailable that day/at that time.’

It might feel awkward initially, but the more you practice setting boundaries, the easier it will become. And who knows? They might even respect you more for being honest about your needs.

Valuing Your Feelings and Well-being

It’s important to remember that your feelings and well-being are just as important as anyone else’s. In fact, you can’t indeed be there for others if you’re not taking care of yourself first.

One way to do this is to give yourself permission to say no. Just because someone asks you to do something doesn’t mean you have to say yes. It’s perfectly okay to decline an invitation or request, even if you don’t have what you have a so-called good reason.

Try this as a helpful tip: leave some room in your calendar for yourself. It’s perfectly alright to make appointments with yourself. By blocking out the time, it’s effortless to confidently say that your schedule is full; plus, you’re telling the truth!

Respecting yourself enough, to be honest, is a sign of strength, not weakness. The people who genuinely care about you will understand and respect your decision. And if they don’t, maybe they’re not worth your time and energy.

At the end of the day, you have to do what’s best for you. So if saying no will help you feel better, then that’s what you should do.

Learning to Be Honest and Compassionate With Yourself When You Do Say ‘No’

I learned that it’s okay to be honest, and compassionate with yourself when you say ‘no.’ You don’t need to make up excuses or be rude. You can just say, “thank you for thinking of me, but not today.”

And that’s perfectly fine. In fact, it’s more than okay. It’s necessary for your freedom! Because when you start saying ‘no’ to things that don’t align with your values or what you want to be doing, you make space for things that align with your ideal life. When you make space, it’s like a vacuum. You can draw in new experiences that make you happy.

It takes time and practice to learn how to do this. Sometimes you screw up and say ‘yes’ when you really should have said ‘no.’ That’s okay! Trust and be patient with yourself, and keep learning from your mistakes.

A phrase you can adapt and use to say no when someone invites you somewhere: “Thanks so much for the invite, but that won’t work for/fit my schedule”.

A phrase you can adapt and use to say no when someone asks you to do something you are not comfortable doing: “I am sorry that won’t fit in with my tasks”.

You can schedule your time in the space to feel like it is valuable. What you do with that is up to you, and you shouldn’t feel bad about it. Give yourself permission.

Resentment vs. Self Respect

You can do this! Have faith that you will feel empowered after you start this process. It might be scary initially, but it gets easier and feels much better. You’ll learn that other people will respect you more, and you’ll have more opportunities.

Conclusion

Saying no can be hard, to begin with. It’s a simple word, but it can be challenging to put into practice. I remember struggling with saying no for a long time because I didn’t want to let anyone down. I wanted to be everyone’s friend, and I wanted to be able to help everyone. But eventually, I learned that saying no is one of the most honest things you can do.

When you say yes to something, you’re automatically saying no to something else. And you can’t do it all.

You can’t be everything to everyone. You must learn to prioritize and be honest with yourself and others about what you can and can’t do.

It takes self-awareness and practice, but it’s worth it. And be kind to yourself. Say yes to yourself!

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